Who has time to blog???

I mean seriously...who has time to blog this season? I guess the person who isn't having Christmas at their house and isn't panicking at where they're going to put 37 people!!!

We flew Nanny here as a Christmas gift, she's at home taking care of Baby C right now while I'm stuck at work, so I'm not really sure who the gift is for...me or her. But it was intended to be a gift for her...promise.

Nanny's at home trying to figure out how to get the DVD to play Elmo straight for at least 6 hours so she can finish making Sorrel....

I can hear her already..."Back in my day the DVD player wasn't hooked up to the stereo which is hooked up to the TV, and you didn't have to press some source button on the stereo to make the stereo figure out which device to listen to and then press the tv/video button to make the tv turn to the desired video input....." "No back in my day you just READ the Elmo book!" LOL

I went to bed at 3AM on Monday morning and jumped up at 7AM and was out the door by 8AM I think...it's all a blur now! I literally had one of those list of chores that grows exponentially as you're driving...you know those lists right?

First stop was to the Salvation Army to get rid of 2 computer monitors, 2 old computers, 1 multi function printer, 1 VCR, 1 Music Keg (because Big C swore he couldn't live without one and that the idea of an ipod was just unconstitutional, now the idea of life WITHOUT an ipod is an act against humanity), 2 telephones, 1 Bag of mens clothes, and 1 bag of teddy bears.

I mean with 38 people coming to your house (all at once) it tends to give way to becoming level headed and realizing the fact that ONE family just doesn't need 3 computers especially when two of them are just sitting in a box collecting dust and probably running on a windows 98 operating system...huh? LOL

Of course the Salvation Army is down sizing their staff and at 8AM there's no nice man to help me unload my car so I nearly slip on the ice hauling everything out of my car into the back parking lot of some Salvation Army that's bang in the middle of some unsafe neighborhood.

On the way home I dropped by the Korean store to get all my mothers Caribbean needs, it still amazes me that the Koren Stores know what she and all other Caribbean people need, never understood that symbiotic relationship, but it works beautifully for me...but alas no one told the Korean shop owner that I was starting early on my chores today so at 8:30 AM they're still not open....go figure.

So I rush to the post office....only to find out that the U.S. government didn't get told that I was doing my chores early either and they're not opening until 9AM.

Ah ha....I can rush over to the dry cleaners, I know they know that I'm doing my chores early...I rush in the door, like I'm scared they'll suddenly close on me, only to be confronted with an employee who has the audacity to tell me that they PROBABLY won't be able to get the stains out of my cream coat or the vomit off my black coat!! WHAT!! So what exactly do they DRY CLEAN then, can they ONLY DRY CLEAN, CLEAN COATS? And wasn't she supposed to lie to me, take my money and then apologize 3 weeks later when I finally got around to picking the coats up and THEN tell me the stains wouldn't come out??? LOL

As I leave the dry cleaners around 9:15AM I'm haunted by the fact that my coat pocket, that back at 8AM held my bank card and my american express card is NOW empty!

Expletive!, Expletive!, Expletive!, Expletive!, Expletive!, Expletive!!!

Where was I last....oh yeah the post office that was closed....I drive like a mad women back to the post office and there they are on the side walk staring up at me AND THEY LOOK LIKE THEY'VE BEEN DRIVEN OVER BY A MAC TRUCK!!!

Great, 3 days before christmas, 39 people coming over and the black pin stripe on my only credit card looks like and etcha sketch...I must have really pissed off the man upstairs to get this treatment, or maybe he's just busy and can't tend to my needs right now...boy do I need him.

With etcha sketch credit card in hand I have a great idea, why don't I go into the post office since I'm here and try and mail these SIXTY Christmas cards and I can see if my etcha sketch credit cards still work....dum de dum de dum (that's me singing happily as I think my day is getting better, I mean I found my cards right).

Just when you think things couldn't get much worse the U.S. Government felt fit to finally open their doors but didn't tell the other 90 people waiting in line that I WAS HERE FIRST even if it was 30 minutes ago (The line was out the door).!!!!!!!!!

OK well fine, let me run over to the carpet depot guy grab some remnant carpet to thrown down on the concrete floor of our unfinished basement so that these 40 people coming over for Christmas have extra space to spread out.

You want HOW MUCH for a REMNANT piece of carpet? $200? are you serious? I said I only wanted a 6 by 12 foot piece? I'm not trying to carpet the drive way??? And what happened to the word REMNANT: meaning: An unsold end of piece goods, as cloth, ribbons, carpets, etc.???

Fine....just fine...I'll just drive ALL they way across town and buy that floor model area rug that they had for sale at Ikea, I'm sure I can get those small stains out of it.....dum de dum de dum (that's me singing happily as I think my day couldn't get ANY worse, only to call Big C and have him tell me that I've just wasted a 30 minute trip to Ikea and that I should buy something from the REMNANT section of Home Depot another 30 minutes drive in the OTHER direction).

Is anyone still reading??? Are you still with me??? Did I do something wrong in my past life???

I finally get back to my side of town close to the home depot and I have a fore thought (fore thoughts are rare for me, after thoughts are common! LOL)....if I buy the carpet now and load it into my car with at least a good 5 feet sticking out my back window....HOW am I going to still drive to the post office and the Korean store with 6ft of carpet sticking out my rear window, I'm liable to hit someone or something the way my day's going? (if you recall I've already made TWO trips to the post office and 1 trip to the Korean Store by this point, neither of them resulted in success)

So I back track to the Korean Store and then to the post office...so here I am standing in line at the Korean Store praying that FIRSTLY my bank card works after the mack truck incident, and SECONDLY that she'll let me use it for less than $10 worth of purchases? I mean I know she has to pay a merchant fee every time she swipes it, but heck Target lets me swipe it for a pack of gum if I want...PLEASE, PLEASE take it....I mean there's NO POINT me arguing with her about the fact that it's ACTUALLY ILLEGAL to have a minimum credit card purchase, I know she'll just pretend that she doesn't understand me anyway!!

I finally hit the post office just at the right time, and now the line is BEHIND me, though I have to listen to this women bitch and moan at the top of her lungs because she stood in the wrong line for over 30 minutes and is now being told she needs to go to the end of the OTHER line to buy her two money orders!!! (Do people really still buy money orders, and does she really think that screaming at the top of her lungs will help the situation? Doesn't she know where the term GOING POSTAL comes from? It doesn't come as a result of the FedEx guy!! LOL).

Ok now that I'm done with the post office and the Korean Store, I'm free to drive around with 7ft of carpet hanging out my back window so I drove over to Home Depot.

ME AT HOME DEPOT: "I really get all that carpet for 25% off the original price....that's perfect...and do you know where I can find someone to help me lift it into my car?"

NICE LADY AT HOME DEPOT: "Yes right out side the front of the store you'll see two men and they even have string"

ME AT HOME DEPOT: How wonderful

ME OUTSIDE HOME DEPOT: Where the Expletive!, Expletive!, Expletive!, Expletive are these two MEN with their STRING?????

ME MAD AND ANGRY OUTSIDE HOME DEPOT: Grunting, huffing and puffing, as I exasperatingly try to push, shove and drag this carpet into my car by myself!!!

I finally get home around 1PM!!! I run in the house and ask my 60 something year old mother to help me lift the 50 ton carpet out of my car....we manage to haul it to the front porch and that's where I planned on it staying until Big C got home...after the day I'd had he HAD to do his part (little did I know he ended up working overtime and I was forced to angle that beast of a thing, through the living room, over the dining room table, through the kitchen and down the basement stairs because in my mind it couldn't possibly stay on the porch over night and there was no way Big C was going to happily mess with it at 11PM when he was due to finally arrive home).

When I was finally done playing Amazon woman with 50 tons of carpet, out of the corner of my eye I noticed a little yellow and brown post it note stuck on the glass of the screen door!! Those lying son of a guns....MY MOTHER was HOME ALL DAY, while I was schlepping through ice storms, what do you mean you TRIED to deliver my package but I WASN'T HOME!!! Liar, Liar, Liar!

UPS 800 LADY: Yes mam you can pick up your package between 7PM - 9PM other wise it will be sent back to the sender, and yes mam we know you have a 2 YEAR old who by this point won't let you out of her sight and won't stay home with Nanny and you'll have to drag her out in the middle of the night to the UPS warehouse because our drivers are LIARS, and really didn't actually knock on your door but quietly tip toed onto your porch and stuck that post it note to your door, we're quit aware of it and thank you for doing business with us and have a nice day.

I finally rolled into bed around 11PM knowing that I wasn't even half done with my Mary Poppins chores list (Remember when Mary Poppins goes into her carpet bag and starts pulling stuff out as if her bag goes on for forever!) and said to myself...I hope these 41 people coming over for Christmas appreciate all the effort I've made to hopefully pull off a wonderful Christmas....and I dare anyone who'se made it to this point of this blog post to have the audacity to question me about why I started out with 37 people and ended with 41 people....don't you guys know that the more obstacles thrown at you while you work on something the more GINORMOUS it seems when you're done and retelling the story and yes I did say "more ginormous" grammer goes out the window when you've come this far!!! LOL

And I leave you all with this, yes go ahead and laugh!